DEAR CAROLINE: My husband's affair has shattered our marriage (2025)

Q I’m in my late 40s and my husband and I have been together for over two decades. We’ve built a life, raised children and faced the usual challenges. Then I discovered that he had been unfaithful and now everything feels shattered. He admitted the affair, saying it was over and that he wanted to work on our marriage.

But I’m torn between staying and leaving. Part of me wants to hold on to the life we’ve created. He’s been my partner in everything and I’m not ready to lose that. Another part feels betrayed, humiliated and unsure if I can ever trust him again. I keep wondering what I did wrong or if there’s something missing in me that made him turn to someone else. He insists it wasn’t my fault, yet I feel so hurt and insecure. It keeps going round and round in my head that I am not sexy or appealing any more.

I feel too ashamed to confide in anyone so I haven’t told family or friends. I don’t want to hurt our children but I also don’t know whether staying for their sake is right. Can I truly forgive him? Even if I can, will I ever feel secure or happy with him again? Or is it better to walk away?

A You must be feeling overwhelming pain. Affairs are very difficult because, while some people have them for selfish and uncaring reasons, most don’t just happen in a vacuum. Usually, both partners are unhappy in the marriage and an affair can be a symptom.

Please believe that you have no need to feel ashamed – nor is there anything missing in you, rather the gap was in the relationship. But an affair is never a good way to deal with such problems and it would have been much better if he had talked to you instead. Don’t say anything to the children yet in case you decide to stay together, but do confide in trusted friends. You need to talk through your pain and I’m sure that you’ll find only love, sympathy and support.

It is sadly all too common for betrayed partners to feel unsexy or unattractive – especially women, because of the societal pressures on us – but this could also be because you felt unseen by your husband. So focus on doing things that make you feel good about yourself, such as exercise or wearing nice clothes etc.

Some marriages can survive affairs or even be strengthened by them, but they will always be changed. It sounds as if you still love your husband, so if he is truly sorry it might be possible to restore your relationship.

Trust is hard to rebuild, so he would have to be totally open with you, answer your questions about the affair, show you his phone when you ask and let you know where he is at all times. He also needs to agree to counselling with you, which would help raise your self-esteem. See relate.org.uk or cosrt.org.uk.

EVERYONE THINKS I SHOULD BE OVER MY MISCARRIAGE

Q I had a miscarriage four months ago. I am 38 and it was my first pregnancy. However, I am still devastated. I took some time off but I often burst into tears. I feel that no one really understands how much this hurts. I was only six weeks pregnant and everyone seems to think that I should have put it behind me by now.

Even my sister, who has two young children herself, said thatI can’t keep thinking about it forever and I need to get on with life. My parents are not the sort of people who talk about these things. My husband is also very sad and is supportive but he has to travel a lot for work so I am often home alone. I know that there are support organisations but I would feel uncomfortable talking to a stranger.

A I am so sorry. I have not suffered this experience myself but I know from close friends and many letters just how devastating a miscarriage can be.

It is so sad that your sister and others around you are not being terribly understanding. I think your sister might have kind intentions and what she is really saying is that she doesn’t want this grief to consume you, but she has put it in a rather insensitive way. (Like your parents, she may struggle with communicating emotions.) It is important to get help, though.

Try contacting the Miscarriage Association helpline: 01924 200799. Once you discover the depth of support and understanding there, it will not feel like talking to a stranger any more. And please be kind to yourself. While some women recover quickly, for others it takes longer and you need to allow yourself to grieve. Your husband might benefit from accessing support, too.

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